Wednesday, November 12, 2014

One Hundred Pounds

I am breaking from my entries about my pilgrimage along the Camino de Santiago to write about another journey that I have been on for quite some time now. I have been on a journey to get healthy and lose weight and I chose to write today because I have hit a major milestone along this journey:

I have lost 100 pounds since January 2014.

I remember being overweight for my entire life. There was never a point I look back on and think, Well, I was thin then. What happened? I won't go into details on how it started mainly because I don't know how it started. All I know is that I was never able to keep my weight in check.

I had always thought of myself as an active person. I played soccer and loved hiking and backpacking with my family. But it wasn't until undergrad that I decided to actively turn things around. Junior year, my roommate and I helped each other (this is a severe understatement because I would not have altered the path I was on without her support and guidance) get healthy and lose weight and by graduation we were well on our way to our goals. Then, life got in the way.

After graduation, we each moved home and experienced a period of unemployment. Then four and a half years of stress in the workplace and in my personal life had led to me gaining all that weight back and then some. In 2013, I knew that something drastic needed to happen. I tried weight loss plans, I tried simple diet and exercise, I even trained for and completed TWO half marathons without losing an appropriate amount of weight. I realized that I need to completely change my lifestyle if I was to make any progress again.

In November of 2013, I made the decision to undergo bariatric surgery. By January of 2014 I had started in the program which consisted of classes on pre- and post-op nutrition, exercise expectations, as well as time with a psychologist. My surgery was in March of 2014 and it was the best decision I ever made.

The picture on the left was the day before my surgery, the picture on the right was taken today.





















I made some big sacrifices along the way to make my journey a success and I continue to make little ones each and every day. The outpouring of love and support I have received from family (especially my mom) and friends along my journey has been incredible. I feel stronger, healthier and happier than I have ever been. And while I have still not reached my goal weight, it is no longer an unattainable pipe dream. I know I will hit it, it is just a matter of when.

I have kept this part of my life quiet from most people so if any friends have questions about the surgery I underwent or about anything really, please feel free to reach out to me.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Camino Day 4

26 August, 2014 - Rabanal Del Camino

So today I decided to just let my mind wander to wherever it wanted to go. I've spent the last few days doing purposeful introspection so I thought I'd take a day off. It turns out that I didn't have many revelatory thoughts...the deepest thought I had was when I realized just how much the wind rushing through trees sounds like water. But let's be honest, that is more of an observation than a deep thought.

But it was a good thing to experience I think. Not having a set purpose for my thoughts today, I found myself defaulting to planning and logistics. I paid more attention to what time it was and made a game out of calculating my average speed every hour or so.

Then there were a few times throughout the day that I would concentrate on absolutely nothing at all for a couple of minutes - like when you find your eyes relaxing and you start staring out into space. That may also have been from me being tired despite my rest yesterday in Astorga. I bet I just need to gain some momentum, you know - get into a rhythm of waking up, walking, eating breakfast, walking, eating lunch, walking, settling into the albergue, eating dinner, and going to bed. Yeah, I think settling into a routine will help.

I have entered a more mountainous area now and because I'm higher up in elevation, it is much much cooler here in Rabanal. I am sitting out on the patio/courtyard area and the wind is picking up and blowing the clouds by pretty quickly overhead. Some of the clouds even have some rain in them - but they just send down a bit of drizzle.

Well, Rabanal began as my least favorite place on the Camino but quickly became my favorite so far. I was just approaching the entrance to the town when a huge tour bus came up from behind me along the road and pulled over to park a few hundred yards ahead of me. As I got closer, about twenty or thirty people piled out of the idling bus with their little backpacks, their hiking boots, and their walking sticks! I couldn't believe it. I had walked over 13 miles with my life on my back and these people just pulled right on up and started waltzing into town with their little walking sticks - which they didn't even need! Seriously, most of the people were carrying their walking sticks instead of using them!

I was overcome with anger and a sense of self-righteousness - like they had cheated. But most of all, I was afraid that their big group would take up all the beds at the good albergue. So I sped up and overtook most of the group; most of them were wandering around the market anyway. I made it to the albergue (by this time it was about 1pm) and saw that it didn't open until 3pm.

I was still in a huff so I took a deep breath. I unloaded by backpack, took off my boots and socks, and took out my guidebook to distract myself. I read that this albergue is run by the Confraternity of St. James in London, it runs off of donations which means there is no official charge to stay here for the night, and they only accept pilgrims who arrive unassisted (a.k.a. NOT on a bus). I felt relieved and I felt justified.

So I waited around for two hours chatting with other pilgrims, stretching and walking around the plaza area outside the front of the albergue. When the place opened at 3pm, the four hospitaleros greeted us. Two of them were a husband and wife from Denver and the other two were a pair of sisters-in-law from England. One of the ladies from England started going through the rules of the albergue but started by saying that the most important rule is that tea time is at 4pm. They are so welcoming and loving. The same lady said that she sees all the pilgrims who come through as her temporary children - pretty amazing!

Sitting here in the courtyard, I look back at the way I felt toward the people on the bus and I feel disappointed that I let myself think that way. Everyone is on the Camino for different reasons. And who am I to judge how someone experiences the Camino? In the future, I am going to try harder to turn any negative thoughts that I have into positive ones. Whenever my feet start to hurt or my pack feels too heavy, I will think about how blessed I am to have the strength to keep going (or the freedom to stop if I need to). Whenever I feel hot and tired, I will remember to embrace the discomfort - because it is only temporary and soon I will have a cool place to rest.

Dear God, please bless this lovely town and these wonderful hosts. Please help me turn any negative thoughts into positive ones and please help me remember how blessed I am to be on this pilgrimage. Amen.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Camino Day 3 - Rest Day!

25 August, 2014 - Astorga, 3pm

My friends from New Jersey and I have settled in to our new albergue for our second night in Astorga. We just got back from having lunch - we had bread, cheese and wine in one of the town squares - and we are now eating chocolate and drinking more wine in the courtyard of our albergue. There is also a small tiled salt-water pool for us to dunk our weary feet into.

We are now surrounded by a wonderful group of people who are staying with us here in the albergue. There is a man from Britain who I learn is a Chelsea supporter. I tell him I am a Liverpool supporter and he is shocked that a GIRL from AMERICA is a football fan at all let alone a Liverpool fan. This man is walking with a father/daughter pairing from Belfast. The daughter, Maria, and I were talking about football and I mentioned that the US men's team will be playing against Ireland in a friendly in November and she said she might be interested in going to the match with me!

This is the first group of pilgrims I've met who walked all the way from St. Jean. They were telling me about meeting a group of women from New York on the Camino. This group of women were walking the Camino for a long weekend. They would send their bags ahead every morning so they didn't carry hardly anything during the day. After their Camino, they were flying to Paris, Milan and London for some shopping. The Chelsea supporter scoffed and called them "packer slackers". While I initially found his comment funny, I now find it pretty harsh. Everyone does the Camino for different reasons and who are we to judge those with different motivations from ourselves?

Then there is the Canadian couple, Shauna and Miles. They currently live in Toronto but are originally from Nova Scotia and spent a year in Vancouver so we talked about my few trips to Vancouver while studying in Seattle.

The last couple had just gotten off the train to start their Camino - two Americans named Molly and Michael. Molly is from the Midwest originally and lived in New York before moving to the West Coast to be with Mike. I can't remember where Mike is originally from but he spent time in San Francisco and both of them recently moved to Seattle. Molly is going back to school at the University of Washington and Mike is trying to get a job in the gaming/tech industry.

I love meeting all of these new people!

There is also a Spanish massage therapist who set up her table on the ground floor of the albergue and I was her first customer of the day. It was a rip-off at 15 euros for 15 minutes, but after my walk yesterday, it felt amazing!

And it was during this massage (don't ask me why it happened then) that I had this epiphany. I realized - actually I think I always knew this but it was only now that I was able to mentally articulate it and admit it to myself - that I have been going through life as if I am a burden to everyone I meet. I know this is probably a result of my low self esteem from being overweight for as long as I can remember. But now that I am getting that under control (a topic for another post), I can start to work through my emotional barriers.

Living life as a burden is a horrible, horrible thing. I am shy, tend to be overly considerate, and always afraid of offending others. I have also been known to leave early from past social occasions because I would get these minor panic attacks (detailed in a past post of mine). But here on the Camino, everyone takes everyone else for who they are. Everyone is working on something about themselves. I think I need to give a bit more credit to those I interact with. I need to have faith that they are genuinely interested in me and not just going through motions.

It is an unwritten rule for pilgrims to be willing to give without receiving. If that is what I remember when entering into interactions with other pilgrims - that they are willingly giving their time and energy - then maybe I can carry that thinking over into life after the Camino.

Dear God, thank you for helping me see myself better. Please bless all of my new friends and all of my fellow peregrinos.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Camino Day 2

25 August, 2014 - Astorga, 10:00am

I definitely overdid it yesterday. I was walking way too fast in order to keep up with my Czech friend who I met in Mazarife on Saturday night. I also should have stopped at the town before Astorga. I even passed an albergue right on the road but I thought, "No, its only another 3 miles, I can do this."

It's pretty amazing how much the body can handle when you push your limits. It was a very long, very hot day yesterday and I did end up getting a couple of blisters on both of my heels. So I am going to spend today resting here in Astorga so I can be a bit more refreshed for tomorrow. Even though it was so difficult yesterday, there were some pretty amazing things along the Way as well.

I left at around 7:40am which was much later than I wanted to leave so I made sure to keep up my pace in the morning knowing that I had about 20 miles to walk. Although I couldn't help but stop a few times to take pictures of the sun rising over the farmland outside of Mazarife. It was glorious to stop and look around every so often and see the countryside bathed in the golden light of the rising sun...




It was also kind of crazy walking along in the morning on my own. I'm always hypersensitive when walking by myself so I starting psyching myself out when I saw this man on the isolated road ahead of me pull his car over. I looked to see if there were any other pilgrims ahead or behind me. There were two a ways ahead but I was pretty sure if I screamed they would hear me. Then I started thinking in how many languages I could say Help! I know, this is pretty morbid thinking, but being a woman in this world can be hard work sometimes.

I was especially glad of my mental recon work when I saw the man reach into the back seat of his car and pull out a shotgun. But then his dog jumped out and a more accurate picture started forming in my head. The man started walking away from the road into the corn fields. By this point, I was passing his car so I looked down the pathway he took and I saw him just before he ducked into a row of corn. As I was walking away I heard POP POP POP and a flock of ducks rose from the fields to fly away. It wasn't until later that I remembered a sign that Almu had pointed out on my first day:


She said it means private hunting land. All I could think of was that I hope that man knows not to point his gun toward the road where all the pilgrims were walking!

Anyway, along the Way to the first major town of the day, Hospital De Orbigo, my Czech friend caught up to me (he walks very fast). I call him my Czech friend because I never actually asked him his name. I found this realization quite odd. Usually, a name is the first thing you learn from someone but for most people on the Camino, you just fall into conversation with one another. Usually you ask where are you from? Where did you start the Camino? Where are you walking to today? And if you really get to know them, you ask What made you decide to walk the Camino or What do you want to get out of walking the Camino? Then, if you are walking a different pace, you say good bye and "Buen Camino". Oddly enough, asking someone's name is not an essential part of conversations along the Camino. I wonder why that is...well, whatever the reason, I want to get better at learning people's names.

A true legend of the Camino is the giving nature of those who live along the Way. But I hadn't really experienced it until yesterday. I was walking along a side street of Villares De Orbigo (just outside of Hospital De Orbigo) when a man comes out of his garage calling to me "un segundo, senorina, un segundo!" I stop and he invites me into his garage (which is wide open and I make sure not to go too far in). On the hood of his car is a pack of cookies and a bunch of papers. He offers me a cookie and asks me to write a message and sign my name and where I am from in his "guest book". After trying to make conversation (in Spanish so it wasn't going so well) he asked me if he could say goodbye the Spanish way with a kiss on each cheek. I say yes and thank you for asking. We kiss on each cheek then I go on my way. He truly seemed curious to learn about me. Such grace and love is expressed along the Camino.

Quite a bit further along yesterday, I just finished walking up a relatively steep hill in a very arid stretch of pathway with no shade. But the guidebook mentioned a "cantina" up ahead so I pushed doggedly on. It turns out this cantina was more like a large fruit stand with a covered and decorated bench for pilgrims to rest under.


It was run by a father and son and sponsored by the local diocese. It was such a welcome respite! I put my backpack down amongst the others and the man offered me a huge slice of watermelon - it was the best watermelon I had ever tasted! All of the food and drink were free for the pilgrims (there wasn't even a place for donations) and the man and his son were so gracious. The son in particular (who looked to be in his early 20s) seemed interested in talking to every one of the pilgrims. There was even a guitar there and two pilgrims - one from Italy and the other from Spain - took turns playing and singing while the rest of us ate, drank and enjoyed the much needed rest.

It's true that you don't really appreciate something until you need it. I felt like I was taking the kindness of the hospitaleros for granted because I had heard and read so much about it. But after yesterday, experiencing the kindness of those who live (not work) along the Camino, I will always take time to appreciate the kindness of others.

And this morning, as I sit on the Plaza Catedral in Astorga amongst fellow peregrinos, I feel a wave of gratitude come over me and tears come to my eyes. I am so so thankful that I can do this pilgrimage. I am trying to take any and all negative thoughts and feelings and turn them positive. I am not only learning about myself, I am trying to better myself. I only hope that I can carry these experiences with me after I finish the Camino.

Dear God, THANK YOU for allowing me to take this pilgrimage. Thank you for shining your light through the actions of my fellow humans. Please bless those who live along the Camino and continue to show support to the pilgrims. And bless my fellow pilgrims and keep them and myself safe and healthy. Amen.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Camino Day 1

23 August, 2014 - Villar de Mazarife, Hostel de San Antonio de Padua

My first day on the Camino is complete! I walked from Leon to Mazarife which is almost 14 miles. I walked more than a half marathon today! But even more exciting is that I made new friends. :)

I met a very nice group of people from New Jersey: Father Anthony, Mark, Mary, Martha and Eileen. They are all part of a walking ministry in their church so they had been training for the Camino for the past few months. I saw them at the Pilgrim mass in Leon last night, joined them for dinner and walked with them this morning until La Virgen de Camino. They stopped at a cafĂ© and I decided to move on.

I walked alone until Oncina and as I was walking along I noticed how happy I was. I found that I was smiling and I had this light fluttering feeling in my heart. I hadn't felt that happy or excited for anything in a long time. After worrying about logistics and visas and packing for so long, there is something wonderful and freeing about only worrying about the next few hours of your day. And now, this will be my life for two and a half weeks. I will get the endorphins of exercise, the freedom to stop and start where and when I want, and the opportunity both for introspection and for the meeting of new friends.

In my solitude, I also noticed that I depend a lot on my guidebook for directions. So starting in Oncina, I decided that I would try to trust that I would find the next shell way-marker and it would point me in the right direction. Also along my Way today I keep thinking how much Dad would enjoy this trip. I wish he was here right now but I am also glad that I am on my own. I think I would become too complacent, too dependent on his expertise as well as his company.

Speaking of company, I met another group of pilgrims in Oncina: Almu from Madrid and Nicole and Andrea from Austria. Almu and Nicole knew each other from studying abroad and Nicole and Andrea were friends from school. Almu offered me a place in her guest room when I return to Madrid! And Nicole offered the same if I ever find myself in Vienna. I think I am slowly starting to get this whole meeting new people thing.

I walked with these girls to Mazarife (we arrived around 1pm) where Andrea moved on rather quickly after lunch and Almu and Nicole were going to look for a ride to the next village. I, on the other hand, went in search of a place to stay for the night.

I settled on the Hostel de San Antonio de Padua. As this is only the second night, I'm not quite sure what to look for when choosing a place to stay. This is where I like to consult my guidebook once again. It has recommendations and comments on the general feel of places as well as listings of the amenities each place offers. This hostel was nice and quiet and, while it sat on the main road as you enter the town, it seemed safe and serene. Plus the hospitalero was sitting on the front porch as I walked up and she was so warm and welcoming!

Thinking about the people I have already met and the people I have yet to meet: while I will surely meet and pass by (and be passed by!) many many people along the Way, I am acutely aware that not all of them will become friends - but that is okay. I just have to remember that that is life. People pass through others' lives for different reasons - they may or may not make a significant impact. I have faith that God will put in my path the people who will impact my life and whose lives I will impact as well.

I am now sitting in the front yard. It is 4 o'clock and I have a very very long walk tomorrow. I wish I had an ice bath to dunk my feet into.

Dear God, please bless my new friends and let their journeys along the Way be enlightened and full of truth. Bless those who I have yet to meet and bless my own journey. Show me what you want me to learn from this experience and help me do so. Amen.

An after-dinner addition to my earlier entry:
A note about food - dinner last night in Leon was my first foray into the menu style of eating here in Spain. Lots of restaurants offer "menus" which, for a set price and from a limited selection of dishes, offer a starter, a main course, a dessert and a drink. Because most places along the Camino offer these menus for a very reasonable price (anywhere from 4-10 euros), this is the usual fare for pilgrims.

However, because of my eating restrictions, I found it hard to eat all - really even most - of the food that was brought out. The only thing is that leaving food on your plate is kind of a signal that it wasn't very good - in some restaurants, it can even be taken as an insult if you don't finish your entire meal.

Well tonight was a similar experience, except that the hospitaleros here cook dinner as a community meal for all the pilgrims staying in their hostel. After a full day of walking, I was actually relatively hungry so I ate my entire salad, my whole main course (which was an amazing paella dish), plus most of my dessert which was a lemon-flavored cake. Not only was this way too much food than I should have eaten, I consumed it all way too fast - and I found this out the hard way (read: I felt like I had to vomit).

So I learned my first hard lesson of the Camino: to not have these menus, but instead just order single items from the menu ("solo"). Alright, off to bed now. I'm up super early tomorrow morning so I don't get in to Astorga too late.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Pre-Camino

While on my pilgrimage, I kept a journal fairly regularly so I want to go stage by stage to share my journal entries and my thoughts looking back on each particular step of my journey in my next few blog posts. I will write my posts in the present tense as if I am currently writing in my journal...

21 August, 2014 - flying over Spain
It isn't until I spot Spain from my window seat on the plane that I allow my mind to wander away from travel logistics to the commencement of my journey along the Camino. I had been in such a state after missing my connecting flight in Atlanta then almost missing another connecting flight from London to Madrid. My mind has been in super-focus-travel-mode, racing with thoughts about my bag getting lost, mapping out where to go and how to get to the next terminal, quadruple checking that I still had my passport and boarding passes, etc.

So when I let my mind release those thoughts and grab hold of the Camino, I start thinking about how I feel and what I want to get out of this pilgrimage. Trepidation and excitement are the two words I have come up with to describe the most prominent emotions I am feeling. Trepidation mostly at not knowing enough Spanish to communicate effectively and excitement at finally getting to take this pilgrimage that I have been dreaming about for two years.

I'm not really sure why I want to make this pilgrimage other than that it seemed to be an amazing adventure. I also have to say that it gives me a sense of pride and validation when I would tell people that I am going to make this pilgrimage and they would admire my "bravery" and "adventurous spirit". It isn't that I am doing this pilgrimage so I can brag about it to people and solicit compliments and praise from them - it's just that it makes me feel special when I do something that not a lot of people have done before. Finding something in yourself that sets you apart from others feels pretty good.

But I hope that I find a deeper meaning to this journey along the Way and maybe even get a sense of purpose for this stage of my life. I plan to pray and/or meditate every day on the Camino so God, please help me find my Way...

22 August, 2014 - on the train from Madrid to Leon
By the time I get to Leon, I will have been travelling for almost exactly three days straight. I began on Tuesday at 5am California time (2pm Spain time) and will end around 2pm Spain time on Friday. And while I recognize how important the journey is compared to the destination, I will be VERY happy to finally be at my physical starting point for the Camino.

I am now on the train to Leon having just left Madrid. It is a three hour ride and I am going to begin preparing mentally for the Camino by taking this time to appreciate the scenery, pray, and probably nap. God, thank you for this opportunity to walk the Camino. Let this time help me become closer to you through physical exertion and solitude. But also please help me make new friends along the Way.

22 August, 2014 - Leon
So I fell down within 20 minutes of arriving in Leon. I slipped on wet pavement on a crowded sidewalk but so many people came to help me up. I don't know what any of them were saying but I think they were all very nice. I was even wearing my backpack so while some people were grabbing my arms to help me up, others were lifting my backpack.

It wasn't too embarrassing and I wasn't hurt so I just walked on. After wandering for a while and loosely following the map in my guidebook, I eventually found the convent where I will stay tonight. After a minor panic attack at remembering that I don't actually know how to ask for a bed in Spanish, I was able to check in (using English and some pantomiming), settle down and explore Leon for a bit.

One thing that Dad kept saying before I left was to make sure I take in all the sights along the Way - to not push myself so much that I only experience walking and not the places I walk through. So I would have felt bad if I had just taken a nap on my first day instead of exploring a bit. :)

I visited the cathedral, wandered a bit more, bought a conchella (shell) for my backpack and am now back at the convent. I plan to attend the pilgrim mass this evening and get the pilgrim menu dinner at the convent. I also want to find a grocery store but I can always get food along the Way tomorrow.

I am going to try to use this journal more for observations and insights rather than a narrative - the operative word is try. I also like the idea of ending each entry with a quick prayer so...Dear God, please bless the hospitaleros who volunteer their time to helping all of the pilgrims. Let them get as much out of helping us as we find comfort in their welcoming presence.

Monday, September 29, 2014

The Way of Saint James

Hello, blog!

Well, it has been over a year since my last post and so many things have happened. Things on the professional front, things on the personal front, things on the academic front even have happened. But for now, I want to keep this first post somewhat succinct.

My latest adventure merits several blog posts but a quick caption is this: I went on a pilgrimage along the Camino de Santiago. I walked 200 miles or about 350 kilometers from Leon to Santiago de Compostela across the north of Spain. In my next few blog posts, I want to outline and look back on the journal entries I wrote along The Way. But for this post, I want to share two poems I read while on the Camino.

This first poem was posted on the inside of the very first albergue I stayed in in Leon. To me, it is all about taking your experiences to heart. The Camino was a lovely break from reality, but it was so much more meaningful than your usual beach holiday. On the Camino, I learned things about myself, about my fellow pilgrims, and about my faith in God. This poem is all about bridging that reality gap from the Camino to our everyday lives.

The Prayer of La Faba by Fraydino
Though I may have travelled all the roads,
Crossed mountains and valleys from East to West,
If I have not discovered the freedom to be myself,
I have arrived nowhere

Though I may have shared all of my possessions with people of other languages and cultures,
Made friends with Pilgrims of a thousand paths or shared albergue with saints and princes,
If I am not capable of forgiving my neighbor tomorrow,
I have arrived nowhere

Though I may have carried my pack from beginning to end and waited for every pilgrim in need of encouragement,
Or given my bed to one who arrived later than I, given my bottle of water in exchange for nothing,
If upon returning to my home and work I am not able to create brotherhood or to make happiness, peace and unity,
I have arrived nowhere

Though I may have had food and water each day and enjoyed a roof and shower every night,
Or may have had my injuries well attended,
If I have not discovered in all that the love of God,
I have arrived nowhere

If from today I do not continue walking on your path searching for and living according to what I have learned,
If from today I do not see in every person, friend or foe a companion on the Camino,
If from today I cannot recognize God,
I have arrived nowhere

This second poem speaks to me regarding judgement of others. It says to me that we all travel together, though we may be on separate paths. And to judge others simply because they take a different path than us is like judging one part of our own journey as more important than another.

They Too, Have Climbed Mountains by Fred Lansford from Songs From An Inner Silence
As you climb a high hill
and look back to the valley from whence you came...
Which of your footsteps along the way
would you hold in a measure of judgement
above others? ... Would you say
the steps that carried you forth at your beginning
were of lesser importance
than those by which you now arrive?

Neither judge you your brothers
when they stumble with eagerness or limp with pain.
Whether they be presently walking on a high hill
or in a darkened valley
they too, have climbed mountains.
And their pathways would merge with all others
ere any reach their destination.

Is it not written on the Scrolls of Time
that all are travelling together?
Truly, none may take into their vision
that permanent glow of morning
if the light of its inner radiance
be shielded from the eyes of but one.

I truly believe I saw these poems by the grace of God at exactly the times I was supposed to see them. The first was all about getting the most out of the journey and bringing what I learn back to my every day life. The second was about the destination and not judging others on how they reached theirs.

One thing that I and countless other pilgrims discovered along The Way is that the Camino provides. You may not realize that you need what it provides, but it provides nonetheless. And finding these poems is just one example of that.