Music and Love

I, like most people, love music. I love the seemingly infinite combination of notes, the poetry of each lyric, the emotions that are emitted from the writer and performer to the listener. Music is one of those universal things that sees a 35 year old electrical engineer from Ukraine and a 20 year old business student from California rock the crowd on karaoke night to the Eagle's Desperado.

One of the best things about music is that the same song can mean something completely different to two different people. The songwriter could have written a track about the pain of breaking up with their girlfriend while their song could translate to someone else's experience of their mom leaving them when they were a kid.

Now I understand that the absolute, most universal theme in the entire world is love. And while I, like most people, love music, I, unlike most people, have never been in love. So one can understand my frustration when recently, it seems that I can't go a single song on the radio or on shuffle mode without hearing about someone's heart being broken, or someone finding the love of their life, or how much easier and better and more beautiful life is now that they're in love.

My gripe is this: why aren't there more songs about people who haven't found love yet? I can think of two off the top of my head: Queen's Somebody To Love and Michael Buble's I Just Haven't Met You Yet. After that, I got nothing.

I know I'm probably in the minority on this one--you know, being in my 20's and not knowing love--but to all of you aspiring songwriters and poets out there: think about how you would feel if you had never experienced love or heartbreak. Think about the ache you would have in the pit of your stomach whenever you hear about a friend's engagement. Think about the doubts you would feel about yourself when you know you are missing out on such a basic human experience. Think about the hopelessness you would feel after yet another unsuccessful first date. Think about how no other aspect of your life would be able to fill the void of having a partner to share those other aspects of life.

Think about all of that and tell me there's nothing worth putting to music.

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I just finished watching the movie The Perks Of Being A Wallflower again. There is a line that sticks with me every time I watch it: "We accept the love we think we deserve."

If this statement is true, and it is so telling of the person who goes back to an abusive partner, then what does it say about those of us who have no one to go to in the first place?

I've gone through life always putting others ahead of myself, never wanting to inconvenience anyone or be a burden. But I take this to the extreme. I've had mild anxiety attacks at parties where I get so worked up that I imagine people only talk to me because they feel obligated to do so. This has become so engrained in my being that sometimes I wonder why anyone pays attention to me at all. And if anyone does pay me any attention, I immediately go on the defensive and start wondering why. Why is he looking at me? Is it because I have food on my face? Why is he walking over here? He must be nice enough to tell me that I have food on my face. Why is he talking to me? He probably just realized that it wasn't food, but a zit on my face. Don't worry. Just give it a minute. He probably regretted coming over to me in the first place.

And when I try to speak up, stand up for myself, or simply try to insert myself into a conversation, I feel selfish--like an attention whore.

Some people view me as being selfless when all I'm really achieving is being less than myself. But that's just the thing: I don't know myself. I've never selfishly gone after something that I wanted--I can't even remember wanting something bad enough to forget my anxiety and go after it.

I don't think I'm really good at any one thing. I'm relatively decent at some things, but not really good at one thing. And isn't that what we are taught in school? You don't have to be the best at anything as long as you try your best at everything. Well let me tell you something: this lesson causes trouble when you hit 26 years of age and you don't know what you're good at. This is detrimental not only to your career but also to your personal life.

Don't get me wrong, I've found an industry about which I am very passionate; so passionate, in fact, that I have made it my career. But being passionate about an industry doesn't make you great at what you do within that industry.

The main character, Charlie, in The Perks of Being A Wallflower is a troubled kid who is just going through the motions of life. He goes through the traditional experiences of a teenager, but always as an outsider. He's more of an observer than a participant. And that really hit home with me.

I've gone through life gaining experience for the sake of what is to come. Get good grades and participate in the school drill team so I could get into college. Check. Got good grades in college, participate in organizations and get an internship so I could get a good job when I graduated. Check. Get a job, buy a car, get an apartment, and support yourself. Check...but to what end? I've come to this point in my life where I feel like there is nothing left to strive for. And that is quite concerning.

I guess the next logical step in life is to find a partner. Someone to love and share life with. But that seems to be a bit out of my control. And where would I meet this person? Let's not forget those mini anxiety attacks I sometimes get at social gatherings.

Anyway, this isn't some rant on how life has no meaning or how my life is at a dead end. I honestly shouldn't be complaining because I actually have a job, a smattering of friends, and a family who loves me. I just can't help feeling that there is something that I'm missing. Something that I don't have any power over and that's a little scary. Maybe I shouldn't watch that movie any more...

The Challenge...Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuhhhhh!!!!

Catchy title, right?

So this week, I've decided to introduce running back into my routine kind of in place of my workout goal. With this new plan, I will be playing soccer once a week and running three times a week. I've also decided to make a few tweaks to how I spend my evenings after work.

If you're like me, you wake up in the morning, have a healthy breakfast of instant oatmeal at work, have a relatively healthy lunch with co-workers, go home, sit on the couch/bed and watch television/DVR/Netflix and eat/eat/eat until bedtime. And since I've never been one to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to work out (except for that one time that I paid a bunch of money for this boot camp class at 6:30am three days a week), I've decided to pack workout clothes to bring to work. My thought is to change into my workout clothes before I leave my office so I either run around work, go home and run around home, or drive to my favorite running trail straight from work. In any case, I force myself to run before I get cozy on the couch.

Sounds brilliant, right? We'll see how it pans out this week.

Now why on God's green earth, you might ask, would I ever willingly run to work out? I'm not one of those girls who gets her "me time" when I run. I don't feel peaceful when I run. In fact, I usually have to pee about a half mile in, which is incredibly uncomfortable. No, I mostly run for the feeling I get AFTER I run (thank you, endorphins!). For me, running is all about routine. I go to the same trail, pass by the same mile markers, and listen to the same music playlist. Also, I have this awesome app on my phone which very effectively maps out a 14-week program designed to get me from couch to 10K running shape. It's super easy! I just wear my armband, put on my headphones and it tells me when to run, when to walk, and when I'm halfway done with my workout, that way I know when to turn around on my out-and-back trail. By the way, some people don't like out-and-back trails but the advantage to this kind of trail is your even tan! Or at least, your even burn in my case.

Another reason for me starting to run again is that I've signed myself up--and told people that I've signed up--for a 10K race in mid-August and I have 14 weeks to train. I think, once I really get back into my running routine, I may look into signing up for Weight Watchers as well. I've always either gotten a good handle on my eating or on my activity--one or the other but never both at the same time. So hopefully, I can gradually work toward both this time around.

Wish me luck! Pray that I don't re-injure my foot and have a fantastic week! (sorry, I think the endorphins from playing soccer tonight haven't fully worn off yet...)

Honesty

So remember last week when I said this blogging thing will mostly be about accountability? Well, I'm amending that. This blog will now be mostly about accountability but also partly about honesty.

So honestly, I didn't do so well at attaining my goals in my first week.

You remember what my goals were, right? Me either, so here they are again copied and pasted from last week:

1) Exercise 4 days a week (but also do 50 push ups and 100 crunches every day)
2) Post a weekly blog entry
3) Weigh at most 199 pounds by August 16, 2014

Number three is a long-term goal, so I'm rating myself on the first two only. And as you can see, goal number two has been attained! (it's the little things, right?)

Number one...as I said earlier, I didn't do so well. I did 50 pushups and 100 crunches on Monday and Tuesday. On Wednesday, I was really sore and life got in the way (excuses, excuses, I know). Not only that but I didn't exercise at all except for my soccer game on Monday night.

So I'm sensing a pattern here, are you? I get psyched up about something, then a few days later the idea putters out.

BUT, I've decided that part of life is letting yourself off the hook. And who cares if I get a slow start out of the gate? You all who read this won't judge me, right? So another decision I've made is that this coming week will be about making smart choices on the little things--like when I go out for lunch, choosing the sliced bread over the roll (even if the roll provides the perfect meat-to-bread-to-condiments ratio--you know what I'm talking about!).

So here's to the second week of my journey and to making smart choices...and to being held accountable, and to a healthy life. And now I'm going to go have an Otter Pop or three.

Back In The Saddle

So...it certainly has been a while...

This post is the start of an exercise in accountability--accountability on multiple fronts. I am going to set the bar at a reasonable height by, as my place of employment is so keen on, setting attainable, measurable goals; goals that can be scored, met, and/or exceeded. So here they are:

1) Exercise 4 days a week (but also do 50 push ups and 100 crunches every day)
2) Post a weekly blog entry
3) Weigh at most 199 pounds by August 16, 2014

Those seem reasonable enough, right? Well, let's just say follow through is not my greatest strength--but this is worth a shot. And I want to expand upon each goal right quick.

1) Exercise 4 days a week (but also do 50 push ups and 100 crunches every day)

I currently only exercise about once a week in the form of playing in a weekly soccer game. And I have been a bit hesitant to get back into my old running routine after a weird injury that happened about three months ago. However, in the effort of, you guessed it, getting back in the saddle, I've decided to step it up and exercise a little bit every day. Now, push ups and crunches may seem rudimentary, but they are simple and don't require a routine of any kind (plus they are nice round numbers--easy to remember when I perform them half-asleep every morning).

For the four sessions of exercise, I've decided to keep playing soccer once a week (duh), run outdoors once every weekend (Saturday or Sunday) and do some kind of gym workout for the other two. I've collected quite a few workout routines from magazines and have decided on two that I can stick with.

2) Post a weekly blog entry

This is the proposed accountability portion. My intentions are to post consistently every week, a status report. Yes, I am going to post the number of weekly push ups (~350), crunches (~700), and exercise sessions (4) I do as well as my weight. I haven't decided if I will post my actual weight or just the pounds lost or gained. I figure, if I put this information out into the abyss that is the internet, it is a way to track my progress in a somewhat permanent manner. And who knows, maybe if I grow confident enough, I will start sharing my posts on Facebook, the ultimate way to gather support, suggestions, encouragement, etc.

I will also attempt to document my emotional well being on top of the physical. This will not only serve to help my underwhelming attempt at writing but will hopefully serve to document my journey toward better overall health.

3) Weigh at most 199 pounds by August 16, 2014

Now this is the long-term goal; the "stretch goal" as it were. One of my best friends from my childhood is getting married on this date and she has hinted that I will be in the wedding. So, if staving off the risk of serious health problems isn't a good enough reason, why not go for the I-want-to-look-good-in-a-bridesmaid's-dress reason? Go big or go home, right? Right.

Okay, well, the month of May begins this coming week which means we are smack dab in the middle of springtime, the time of rebirth. So let's get this thing going.

"The Stoning of Soraya M."

Please note that this blog entry, by definition, consists of my own thoughts and opinions. It is not meant to offend anyone (although I realize that may happen anyway). It is simply meant to express my feelings toward this movie and the practices portrayed therein.

I just got home from my winter vacation two days ago. I went to work yesterday so today, I gloriously followed through on my intent to stay in my room and vegetate all day long. Well, being alone all day can take it's toll. One starts thinking self-pitying thoughts way too often--especially on yet another lonely Saturday night. So all I can say is: thank God for Netflix!

After a few episodes of different television shows, I decided to go through the movies in my Instant Queue from beginning to end. I watched "White Irish Drinkers" directed by John Gray, "Being John Malkovich" directed by Spike Jonze, and "Howl" directed by Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman. The fourth movie of the day was "The Stoning of Soraya M."

For those of you who do not know, "The Stoning of Soraya M." is a drama based on a book written by a French-Iranian journalist that tells the story of Soraya--a mother, wife, daughter, and niece--who lives in a small village in Iran. This particular part of Soraya's life takes place in 1986 when her abusive husband falsely accuses her of adultery. According to the movie, Islamic law states that if a husband accuses his wife of adultery and she cannot prove her innocence, she can be sentenced to be stoned to death.

Now, I kind of figured that this is where the movie was going before I hit the play button. What I didn't expect (although the R rating should have given me the first hint) was just how graphic the stoning scene would be and how fierce of a visceral, stomach-wrenching, hate-inducing reaction I would experience.

Talk to my friends and they will all say how taken I can get by movies. I cry at movies quite easily and I get that churning sensation in the pit of my stomach at the hero's fall moments before he stands back up again.

But this was different.

I went in to the movie trying to be aware of my personal spiritual and cultural differences but I was so negatively affected by this movie and the actions of the different characters that I surprised even myself. In the movie, Soraya has two sons and two daughters. She is accused of adultery by her husband, Ali, with the village mechanic, Hashem. Not only was there a massive injustice that took place, but the manner in which the injustice was carried out was just as heinous.

To me, trying to justify the act of stoning someone to death is simply unfathomable. However, it was explained in the movie as follows. The adulteress has brought shame not only upon her and her family, but upon the entire village and every stone that is thrown helps to regain a bit of that honor that was stolen. The actual ritual seemed to have four different components to it: the convicted criminal is buried upright in the ground up to their waist, a line is drawn in the sand behind which the stone-throwers must stand, the dishonored family members and parties of the trial get the first throws, then the rest of the willing villagers throw stones as hard as they can at the exposed part of the living person until that person is no longer living.

Each component left me seething even more than the last and I still cannot decide which (or if it was all of them together) that made me actually scream at the TV, hot tears of hate and frustration coursing down my cheeks.

Was it that Soraya was literally halfway buried alive before her punishment even began? Was it how the line in the sand made the whole thing seem like a sport? (I'll never look at a set piece in soccer the same way again.) Was it how hard and accurate Soraya's husband and 12- and 14-year-old sons threw their stones at her? Or was it how the villagers cheered at every direct hit then took their own self-righteous turns at trying to regain the honor that Soraya had so viciously stolen from them?

I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that I haven't felt this enraged in a very long time. That rage doesn't spring from simply being aware of this barbaric practice. Because, let's face it, we've all heard of stoning before and how it is still happening today. It also springs from my continual (and apparently naive) surprise at what atrocities human beings commit against one another.

So please help me pray for those souls who have justly and unjustly lost their lives to this horrific practice. Now here's the doozy and something I will personally be wrestling with: please also help me pray for those souls who are committing this atrocity. Pray that we all will stop stoning our neighbors to death.