Monday, May 27, 2013

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I just finished watching the movie The Perks Of Being A Wallflower again. There is a line that sticks with me every time I watch it: "We accept the love we think we deserve."

If this statement is true, and it is so telling of the person who goes back to an abusive partner, then what does it say about those of us who have no one to go to in the first place?

I've gone through life always putting others ahead of myself, never wanting to inconvenience anyone or be a burden. But I take this to the extreme. I've had mild anxiety attacks at parties where I get so worked up that I imagine people only talk to me because they feel obligated to do so. This has become so engrained in my being that sometimes I wonder why anyone pays attention to me at all. And if anyone does pay me any attention, I immediately go on the defensive and start wondering why. Why is he looking at me? Is it because I have food on my face? Why is he walking over here? He must be nice enough to tell me that I have food on my face. Why is he talking to me? He probably just realized that it wasn't food, but a zit on my face. Don't worry. Just give it a minute. He probably regretted coming over to me in the first place.

And when I try to speak up, stand up for myself, or simply try to insert myself into a conversation, I feel selfish--like an attention whore.

Some people view me as being selfless when all I'm really achieving is being less than myself. But that's just the thing: I don't know myself. I've never selfishly gone after something that I wanted--I can't even remember wanting something bad enough to forget my anxiety and go after it.

I don't think I'm really good at any one thing. I'm relatively decent at some things, but not really good at one thing. And isn't that what we are taught in school? You don't have to be the best at anything as long as you try your best at everything. Well let me tell you something: this lesson causes trouble when you hit 26 years of age and you don't know what you're good at. This is detrimental not only to your career but also to your personal life.

Don't get me wrong, I've found an industry about which I am very passionate; so passionate, in fact, that I have made it my career. But being passionate about an industry doesn't make you great at what you do within that industry.

The main character, Charlie, in The Perks of Being A Wallflower is a troubled kid who is just going through the motions of life. He goes through the traditional experiences of a teenager, but always as an outsider. He's more of an observer than a participant. And that really hit home with me.

I've gone through life gaining experience for the sake of what is to come. Get good grades and participate in the school drill team so I could get into college. Check. Got good grades in college, participate in organizations and get an internship so I could get a good job when I graduated. Check. Get a job, buy a car, get an apartment, and support yourself. Check...but to what end? I've come to this point in my life where I feel like there is nothing left to strive for. And that is quite concerning.

I guess the next logical step in life is to find a partner. Someone to love and share life with. But that seems to be a bit out of my control. And where would I meet this person? Let's not forget those mini anxiety attacks I sometimes get at social gatherings.

Anyway, this isn't some rant on how life has no meaning or how my life is at a dead end. I honestly shouldn't be complaining because I actually have a job, a smattering of friends, and a family who loves me. I just can't help feeling that there is something that I'm missing. Something that I don't have any power over and that's a little scary. Maybe I shouldn't watch that movie any more...

Monday, May 13, 2013

The Challenge...Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuhhhhh!!!!

Catchy title, right?

So this week, I've decided to introduce running back into my routine kind of in place of my workout goal. With this new plan, I will be playing soccer once a week and running three times a week. I've also decided to make a few tweaks to how I spend my evenings after work.

If you're like me, you wake up in the morning, have a healthy breakfast of instant oatmeal at work, have a relatively healthy lunch with co-workers, go home, sit on the couch/bed and watch television/DVR/Netflix and eat/eat/eat until bedtime. And since I've never been one to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to work out (except for that one time that I paid a bunch of money for this boot camp class at 6:30am three days a week), I've decided to pack workout clothes to bring to work. My thought is to change into my workout clothes before I leave my office so I either run around work, go home and run around home, or drive to my favorite running trail straight from work. In any case, I force myself to run before I get cozy on the couch.

Sounds brilliant, right? We'll see how it pans out this week.

Now why on God's green earth, you might ask, would I ever willingly run to work out? I'm not one of those girls who gets her "me time" when I run. I don't feel peaceful when I run. In fact, I usually have to pee about a half mile in, which is incredibly uncomfortable. No, I mostly run for the feeling I get AFTER I run (thank you, endorphins!). For me, running is all about routine. I go to the same trail, pass by the same mile markers, and listen to the same music playlist. Also, I have this awesome app on my phone which very effectively maps out a 14-week program designed to get me from couch to 10K running shape. It's super easy! I just wear my armband, put on my headphones and it tells me when to run, when to walk, and when I'm halfway done with my workout, that way I know when to turn around on my out-and-back trail. By the way, some people don't like out-and-back trails but the advantage to this kind of trail is your even tan! Or at least, your even burn in my case.

Another reason for me starting to run again is that I've signed myself up--and told people that I've signed up--for a 10K race in mid-August and I have 14 weeks to train. I think, once I really get back into my running routine, I may look into signing up for Weight Watchers as well. I've always either gotten a good handle on my eating or on my activity--one or the other but never both at the same time. So hopefully, I can gradually work toward both this time around.

Wish me luck! Pray that I don't re-injure my foot and have a fantastic week! (sorry, I think the endorphins from playing soccer tonight haven't fully worn off yet...)

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Honesty

So remember last week when I said this blogging thing will mostly be about accountability? Well, I'm amending that. This blog will now be mostly about accountability but also partly about honesty.

So honestly, I didn't do so well at attaining my goals in my first week.

You remember what my goals were, right? Me either, so here they are again copied and pasted from last week:

1) Exercise 4 days a week (but also do 50 push ups and 100 crunches every day)
2) Post a weekly blog entry
3) Weigh at most 199 pounds by August 16, 2014

Number three is a long-term goal, so I'm rating myself on the first two only. And as you can see, goal number two has been attained! (it's the little things, right?)

Number one...as I said earlier, I didn't do so well. I did 50 pushups and 100 crunches on Monday and Tuesday. On Wednesday, I was really sore and life got in the way (excuses, excuses, I know). Not only that but I didn't exercise at all except for my soccer game on Monday night.

So I'm sensing a pattern here, are you? I get psyched up about something, then a few days later the idea putters out.

BUT, I've decided that part of life is letting yourself off the hook. And who cares if I get a slow start out of the gate? You all who read this won't judge me, right? So another decision I've made is that this coming week will be about making smart choices on the little things--like when I go out for lunch, choosing the sliced bread over the roll (even if the roll provides the perfect meat-to-bread-to-condiments ratio--you know what I'm talking about!).

So here's to the second week of my journey and to making smart choices...and to being held accountable, and to a healthy life. And now I'm going to go have an Otter Pop or three.